http://dear-auntie.blog.co.uk/This is NOT serious! We are just having a laugh by trying to think what the Agony Aunts would REALLY like to say! But hey, if you have a problem and would like an honest answer......en-EUMokoFeed10http://dear-auntie.blog.co.uk/http://data5.blog.de/design/preview/33/680fe139669cbb803d8db301e1e303_160x200.jpghttp://dear-auntie.blog.co.uk/2008/01/19/i_wish_he_d_keep_his_clothes_on~3602661/tag:dear-auntie.blog.co.uk,2008-01-19:/2008/01/19/i_wish_he_d_keep_his_clothes_on~3602661/Sat, 19 Jan 2008 23:29:40 +0100 <p><strong>Dear Auntie,<br></strong>My husband is very proud of his body and never misses an opportunity to strip and show off as much as is decently possible. My family and friends tease me and my girlfriends are always telling me how lucky I am. This is all very well, but I want him to keep his charms for me and me alone! What can I do?<br><strong>Vera, Cheshire<br></strong><br>On one hand, Vera, your friends could be right. If your bloke's sexy as, be glad of it! As long as his main "Charm" (his cock, of course!) is yours and yours alone then fair enough. However, there could be a number of real issues going on behind his exhibitionism. For example, he could, in reality, harbour deep insecurities about his intellect, perhaps because you're cleverer than him, and his only way to deal with the conversation getting a little over his head is to divert peoples attention off politics and onto his pecs. Or, he could be hedging his bets and making sure that should you and he ever have a fall-out, or you're on the rag, your friends will be more than willing to offer him a shoulder to "cry" on. Whatever the cause of his behaviour though, there's a tried and tested method to nip it in the bud that I learned off my ex-husband. You must gradually start eating away at his self-esteem. That's right. When I married, I was slim, clever, personable, great in the sack and cooked like a domestic Goddess. Fortunately I had him to keep me right by undermining my career ("I could do that, and better"),  my friendships ("they don't really like you"), my hobbies ("I've shat better") and so on, until I actually doubted myself BIG time. If you adopt this approach, he'll soon be eaten up with self-doubt and, hey Presto!, he won't be able to go out without sedatives, let alone his shirt! Good luck girlfriend!<br><strong>Auntie</strong> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://dear-auntie.blog.co.uk/2008/01/19/i_wish_he_d_keep_his_clothes_on~3602661/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://dear-auntie.blog.co.uk/2008/01/19/i_wish_he_d_keep_his_clothes_on~3602661/#commentshttp://dear-auntie.blog.co.uk/2008/01/18/how_can_i_go_on_without_him~3598464/tag:dear-auntie.blog.co.uk,2008-01-18:/2008/01/18/how_can_i_go_on_without_him~3598464/Fri, 18 Jan 2008 23:33:20 +0100 <p>Dear auntie,<br>I've been married for some eight years and have two lovely daughters.  Eight weeks ago my husband left me, saying he doesn't love me and wants a divorce.  This is the seventh time he's left me.  My daughters hate him because of his constant temper and nastiness.  I feel so low and rejected.  I'm on antidepressants, but see no light at the end of the tunnel.  I know I can't take him back as there would be no trust.  <strong>Mrs D, Clacton</p> <p></strong>Dear Mrs D,<br>I really can't see what your problem is - it sounds to me like you will actually end up far happier without this foul-tempered, nasty, self-centred piece of shit.  Seems like your daughter's are a pair of smart cookies for developing a rightful hatred of this cunting cocksucker.  My advice to you is as follows; stay off the antidepressants - they'll fuck up your mind.  Don't feel low - get dressed up, go out with your pals and get yourself a big helping of some nice fresh cock - you will soon feel wanted then.  Forget this despicable wanker ever existed. You have two choices hun: 1. wallow in self pity for ever and end up a sad, lonely old crone or:  2.  Stand up, be strong and move on with your life.  I can strongly recommend the latter! <strong>Auntie</strong> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://dear-auntie.blog.co.uk/2008/01/18/how_can_i_go_on_without_him~3598464/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://dear-auntie.blog.co.uk/2008/01/18/how_can_i_go_on_without_him~3598464/#commentshttp://dear-auntie.blog.co.uk/2008/01/14/he_drives_me_mad_with_sex_demands~3577927/tag:dear-auntie.blog.co.uk,2008-01-14:/2008/01/14/he_drives_me_mad_with_sex_demands~3577927/Mon, 14 Jan 2008 23:25:18 +0100 <p>My husband wants sex all the time and it's driving me mad. he sulks if I don't give into it because he says it's my duty as a wife. I didn't realise just how bad this had become until we had our first baby two months ago. He was even saying in hospital that he was desperate. I haven't had sex with him since the birth because I've used the excuse that I'm in pain. But he complains constantly that he's being denied and I'm dreading it all starting up again.<br><strong>Natasha, Crowtree.</p> <p></strong>My heart goes out to you Natasha, really it does. You obviously didn't have much experience of <em>actual </em>men before you embarked on matrimony with this sex pest, did you? Otherwise you would've recognised that he is a fucking sad pervert and run a mile.<br>The experienced Agony Aunt in me that I amn't wants to say "Ooh, poor men, they often have difficulty when you have a new, little person monopolising all the attention that used to be focussed on them. Try to be patient with him, try Relate, blah blah fucking blah..." However, in reality, that's just a pile of bollocks.  He's a juvenile, clingy, insecure fanny-rat. Seriously, i've met his sort. I was binning a bloke once and, through his tears, he STILL managed to ask me to  "Just hold it" (you know who you are Mr B, Tyne & Wear).<br>Next time he tries it on, don't lie about being in pain. Take his genitals gently in your hand and whisper softly in his ear: "Darling, I've been so looking forward to some love-making too" Then firmly tug his meat and two veg floorwards and tell him "Now fuck off, I've got the milkman coming round in five. Now he's a REAL man, you sack of shit!" The look on his face will be priceless. Unless, of course, he has any psychotic tendencies, in which case you'll probably be getting dredged out of the nearest canal in a rolled up carpet sometime soon. Worth  the bet, though, I'd say! Good Luck! <br><strong>Auntie</strong></p> <p> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://dear-auntie.blog.co.uk/2008/01/14/he_drives_me_mad_with_sex_demands~3577927/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://dear-auntie.blog.co.uk/2008/01/14/he_drives_me_mad_with_sex_demands~3577927/#commentshttp://dear-auntie.blog.co.uk/2008/01/14/should_i_rent_a_flat_for_my_cheating_wif~3577773/tag:dear-auntie.blog.co.uk,2008-01-14:/2008/01/14/should_i_rent_a_flat_for_my_cheating_wif~3577773/Mon, 14 Jan 2008 22:52:41 +0100 <p>Dear Auntie<br>My work takes me away from home a lot, and my wife starting having an affair when a man she liked paid her a compliment.  She was also bored with her job , felt that the children (who are 14 and 12) no longer needed her as much, and she hated being 45.  She is slim, attractive, looks 35 and I am very much in love with her.  She has now ended the affair, although she still has feelings for him, but she says she loves me and doesn't want a divorce.  She is living with her parents at the moment but wants me to rent somewhere for her whilst "she tries to find the woman she was before the affair."  However, she says there are no guarantee that things will be the same as before.  Should I agree to this?  <strong>Dave, Kent<br></strong><br>Dear Dave<br>No you fucking well should not agree to this!!!  Grow some bollocks and tell her to fuck off - she's using you.  As soon as she gets the keys to the flat she'll ditch you and have lover boy hanging out the back of her pronto.  Don't try to justify what she's done either - we all get bored from time to time, but manage to resist giving a blow job to the first person that pays us a compliment.  She is a vile, selfish sow who is having a midlife crisis and views you as a meal ticket - fuck her off, matey!<br><strong>Auntie</strong></p> <p> <small> <a href="http://dear-auntie.blog.co.uk/2008/01/14/should_i_rent_a_flat_for_my_cheating_wif~3577773/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://dear-auntie.blog.co.uk/2008/01/14/should_i_rent_a_flat_for_my_cheating_wif~3577773/#commentshttp://dear-auntie.blog.co.uk/2008/01/13/is_my_wife_a_lesbian~3571190/tag:dear-auntie.blog.co.uk,2008-01-13:/2008/01/13/is_my_wife_a_lesbian~3571190/Sun, 13 Jan 2008 18:22:13 +0100 <p>Dear Auntie<br>I've been married for 12 years and things have become a little flat in recent years.  My wife, who hadn't worked for many years, recently started a new job at the local supermarket.  She seemed to really enjoy it and I was pleased for her, but recently she has become close friends with another woman. She constantly says how wonderful her new friend is and they often go shopping and for meals together and I began to feel a little left out. Last week I came home early after a powercut at work, and my wife's new friend's car was parked outside. I went in but nobody appeared to be home. I went upstairs and when I looked in our bedroom my wife and her friend were both asleep, naked, on our bed with several sex toys strewn around. I was too shocked to do anything so I went out and came home at the normal time.  After several days of awkwardness I eventually challenged her about it. She looked very embarrassed, but swore that they had not had sex, she said they had only been watching porn movies and had got carried away and had masturbated whilst watching the films.  But I'm not sure I believe her and fear that she might be having a lesbian affair.  Admittedly our sex life has deteriorated in recent years, but this has really shaken me.  What do you think? <strong>Colin, London<br></strong><br>Dear Colin<br>You "think she may be having a lesbian affair"?  HELLOOOOOOO McFLY DURRRRRRR!!!!! Of course she's munching on foof you daft fuck - you surely don't believe that crock of shit she told you?  You do?  Then you're more stupid than I thought!  She couldn't be more guilty had you walked in and caught them both tucking in on each others muff...... oh god.. that sounds hot!  I'm err just, err going to the.. urm, toilet!  You could always ask her if you can join in - that would spice your flagging sex life!<br><strong>Auntie<br></strong>PS - If she goes for it, write back and tell me all about it!</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://dear-auntie.blog.co.uk/2008/01/13/is_my_wife_a_lesbian~3571190/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://dear-auntie.blog.co.uk/2008/01/13/is_my_wife_a_lesbian~3571190/#commentshttp://dear-auntie.blog.co.uk/2008/01/13/have_i_completely_blown_it_with_my_ex~3570230/tag:dear-auntie.blog.co.uk,2008-01-13:/2008/01/13/have_i_completely_blown_it_with_my_ex~3570230/Sun, 13 Jan 2008 14:50:56 +0100 <p>Dear Auntie<br>I left my husband for a man who led me to believe that we would have a wonderful life together, but the reality was very different and now I'm so unhappy. I deeply regret my actions and realise now what an awful mistake I've made. I'd love to have my old life back, but my husband won't forgive me because he was very hurt when I left. He says he can't trust me any more and isn't prepared to risk it. How on earth can I convince him that this will never happen again? <strong>Gemma, Cheltenham</strong></p> <p>Dear Gemma<br>Well well well, you've made a total bollox of things haven't you? The simple answer is you can't convince your husband to come back to you because you are a dirty, lying, stinking whore and about as trustworthy as a dog in a sausage factory. Quite frankly he will be far better off without you so why don't you stop being so fucking selfish and let him get on with re-building his life - you vile slag! <strong>Auntie</strong> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://dear-auntie.blog.co.uk/2008/01/13/have_i_completely_blown_it_with_my_ex~3570230/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://dear-auntie.blog.co.uk/2008/01/13/have_i_completely_blown_it_with_my_ex~3570230/#commentshttp://dear-auntie.blog.co.uk/2008/01/13/our_perfect_marriage_is_a_sham~3568535/tag:dear-auntie.blog.co.uk,2008-01-13:/2008/01/13/our_perfect_marriage_is_a_sham~3568535/Sun, 13 Jan 2008 01:54:11 +0100 <p>My husband and I have broken up because of his womanising. He's now living in a bedsit down the road, but has begged me not to tell our families we've split up. He's hoping for a reconciliation while he works through his need to have other women! <br>Everyone thought we were the perfect couple and he wants to keep that idea going. But I hate lying and, while I still love him, I don't know if I want him back.<br>I'm longing to speak to my family but, if they find out what he's been up to, they'll tell me to keep away from him. He says that by keeping quiet I'm giving our relationship a chance, but am I being a complete fool? <strong>B, 28, Norfolk<br></strong><br><strong>Dear B,<br></strong>are you for fucking real??!! <br>The reason this sad sack of shit doesn't want your family to know about his philandering ways is because he knows they'll string the fucker up by his bollocks, deservedly! <br>What planet are you on even entertaining the idea that his 'Mr Perfect Husband' title should be upheld while he sticks his wick in every skanky whore prepared to open her legs? Well?!?<br>This cunt doesn't give a shit about you. He cares for himself alone, and you should unleash the hounds forthwith. Tell the world what a vile, narcissistic piece of work he is. Laugh at his demise. Tart yourself up and flaunt a new, young, buff lover under his nose, the wanker deserves it.<br>Unless, of course, he did it because you're frigid, in which case what do you expect. A man needs an outlet.<br><strong>Auntie.<br></strong> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://dear-auntie.blog.co.uk/2008/01/13/our_perfect_marriage_is_a_sham~3568535/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://dear-auntie.blog.co.uk/2008/01/13/our_perfect_marriage_is_a_sham~3568535/#commentshttp://dear-auntie.blog.co.uk/2008/01/13/how_can_i_prove_him_wrong~3568434/tag:dear-auntie.blog.co.uk,2008-01-13:/2008/01/13/how_can_i_prove_him_wrong~3568434/Sun, 13 Jan 2008 01:07:29 +0100 <p>Dear Auntie<br>I'm 56 and have fallen in love with a man of 22.  Many people tell me that age doesn't matter when you're in love.  However, I have an older male friend who thinks that it's wrong and disgusting.  He is adamant that we will not last because my boyfriend will get sick of my age and run off with a younger model.  It's starting to get me down - how can we prove him wrong?<br><strong>Mavis, Croydon</p> <p></strong>Dear Mavis<br>The sad truth is that your friend is right.  You might still scrub up ok after he's had a few pints but these dark mornings don't last.  One day he will wake up next to you and see you for the withered, saggy, botox-infested old slapper that you undoubtedly are, you filthy paedophillic old whore.  Put him the fuck down - his mates are already laughing at him you know, you selfish sow.  You fucking disgust me - get someone you own age.  <strong>Auntie<br>PS </strong>If your older male friend is Adam Ant can you get me his autograph - loved all that 80's shit.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://dear-auntie.blog.co.uk/2008/01/13/how_can_i_prove_him_wrong~3568434/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://dear-auntie.blog.co.uk/2008/01/13/how_can_i_prove_him_wrong~3568434/#commentshttp://dear-auntie.blog.co.uk/2007/01/21/is_my_wife_a_lesbian~1595920/tag:dear-auntie.blog.co.uk,2007-01-21:/2007/01/21/is_my_wife_a_lesbian~1595920/Sun, 21 Jan 2007 20:25:16 +0100 <p>Dear Auntie<br>I've been married for 12 years and things have become a little flat in recent years.  My wife, who hadn't worked for many years, recently started a new job at the local supermarket.  She seemed to really enjoy it and I was pleased for her, but recently she has become close friends with another woman. She constantly says how wonderful her new friend is and they often go shopping and for meals together and I began to feel a little left out. Last week I came home early after a powercut at work, and my wife's new friend's car was parked outside. I went in but nobody appeared to be home. I went upstairs and when I looked in our bedroom my wife and her friend were both asleep, naked, on our bed with several sex toys strewn around. I was too shocked to do anything so I went out and came home at the normal time.  After several days of awkwardness I eventually challenged her about it. She looked very embarrassed, but swore that they had not had sex, she said they had only been watching porn movies and had got carried away and had masturbated whilst watching the films.  But I'm not sure I believe her and fear that she might be having a lesbian affair.  Admittedly our sex life has deteriorated in recent years, but this has really shaken me.  What do you think? <strong>Colin, London<br></strong><br>Dear Colin<br>You "think she may be having a lesbian affair"?  HELLOOOOOOO McFLY DURRRRRRR!!!!! Of course she's munching on foof you daft fuck - you surely don't believe that crock of shit she told you?  You do?  Then you're more stupid than I thought!  She couldn't be more guilty had you walked in and caught them both tucking in on each others muff...... oh god.. that sounds hot!  I'm err just, err going to the.. urm, toilet!  Ask her if you can join in with them - that should boost your flagging sex life!<br><strong>Auntie<br></strong>PS - If she goes for it, write back and tell me all about it!</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://dear-auntie.blog.co.uk/2007/01/21/is_my_wife_a_lesbian~1595920/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://dear-auntie.blog.co.uk/2007/01/21/is_my_wife_a_lesbian~1595920/#commentshttp://dear-auntie.blog.co.uk/2006/12/10/is_he_the_man_of_my_dreams~1423934/tag:dear-auntie.blog.co.uk,2006-12-10:/2006/12/10/is_he_the_man_of_my_dreams~1423934/Sun, 10 Dec 2006 23:26:53 +0100 <p>Dear Auntie<br>On holiday in Tunisia I met and dated the man of my dreams. Flatteringly he is 20 years younger than me.  On the final night of my holiday we made love and he said that he loved me and we swore we would stay in touch.<br>    He says that he'd like to visit and if it works out we could get married.  He just wants to make sure that his father is ok first - he needs an expensive operation.  I'd like to pay for it, but a friend's trying to stop me.  But what use is money if you can't use it to help those that you love?  <strong>Maureen, Bognor</strong></p> <p>Dear Maureen<br>Are you for real?  You need to take a reality check love, before it's too late, you daft old bint!!!  Any man will tell you that he loves you when he wants to get into your knickers.  But this greasy lothario has the added incentives of wanting to bleed your bank account dry and wanting a free ticket into the UK.  I can guarantee you that the moment you get hitched, he'll dump you and open up a fast food shop on your local high street - on your money!  Ask yourself, honestly, what's some pumped up foreign young stud going to want with a wizzened old hag like you (other than a passport and YOUR money)?  Do yourself a favour, listen to your friend and tell him to fuck off - before its too late.  <strong>Auntie</strong><br> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://dear-auntie.blog.co.uk/2006/12/10/is_he_the_man_of_my_dreams~1423934/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://dear-auntie.blog.co.uk/2006/12/10/is_he_the_man_of_my_dreams~1423934/#commentshttp://dear-auntie.blog.co.uk/2006/12/04/ashes_failure~1400936/tag:dear-auntie.blog.co.uk,2006-12-04:/2006/12/04/ashes_failure~1400936/Mon, 04 Dec 2006 17:02:18 +0100 <p>Dear Auntie<br>I'm really starting to feel that we have let it slip in the second test. We were unable to bowl out Australia cheaply and as a result had only a first innings lead of 38. Although our batsmen have increased that lead to 97 with nine second innings remaining, I fear that there is now insufficient time to win the game? What can I do?<br><strong>Duncan, Adelaide</p> <p></strong>Dear Duncan<br>Unfortunately I fear that you have already fucked it up thanks to your defensive selection policy for this match.  Had you had the bollocks to pick Monty Panesar you would have a bowler on the park who could've potentially removed all those stubborn Aussies, in both innings.  But no, you have to pick boring Ashley fucking Giles don't you!  Granted, Giles may add an extra 25-30 runs to the lower order, but on a wicket like Adelaide they were never going to be needed.  Giles is a tidy, economical bowler but is never going to bowl out a team as long as he's got a hole in his arse!  Panesar was routinely removing the best of the Pakistani & Sri Lankan top order this year - no mean feat - or have you forgotten that, you ungrateful prick?  Have some bollocks and pick an attacking team for the third test and we may yet bring the Ashes home.  <strong>Auntie</strong> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://dear-auntie.blog.co.uk/2006/12/04/ashes_failure~1400936/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://dear-auntie.blog.co.uk/2006/12/04/ashes_failure~1400936/#commentshttp://dear-auntie.blog.co.uk/2006/12/03/will_he_find_out_about_my_past~1398894/tag:dear-auntie.blog.co.uk,2006-12-03:/2006/12/03/will_he_find_out_about_my_past~1398894/Sun, 03 Dec 2006 23:59:54 +0100 <p>Before I met my partner, I was quite promiscuous and had one-night stands with three men from work. Three years on, I'm happily engaged, and my fiance has just landed a job at my old company. One of the men I slept with still works there, and I'm terrified my fiance will overhear gossip about me. Should I tell him the truth?<br><strong>Ange, Catholme</p> <p></strong>Good God, woman! Do you not imagine there have been a million and one "office-shags" since your little spell of slack-drawedness? They probably don't even remember your name by now, let alone who you opened your legs for. They'll be too busy fretting about what they got up to at the Christmas party to give a shit about your dirty episode, Especially that Lisa in accounts, the filthy slapper. I saw her in the bogs at The Taj Mahal on George St with Nigel from marketing......<br>Seriously Ange, stop worrying. Be glad you had the gumption to get a few notches on your bedpost before finding the right man. I'm sure HE's glad you got your blow-job perfected before you met and can now be the wife he wants. <br><strong>Auntie</strong></p> <p> <small> <a href="http://dear-auntie.blog.co.uk/2006/12/03/will_he_find_out_about_my_past~1398894/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://dear-auntie.blog.co.uk/2006/12/03/will_he_find_out_about_my_past~1398894/#commentshttp://dear-auntie.blog.co.uk/2006/12/03/rude_limerick~1398798/tag:dear-auntie.blog.co.uk,2006-12-03:/2006/12/03/rude_limerick~1398798/Sun, 03 Dec 2006 23:23:50 +0100 <p>There was a young lady of Rugeley,<br>Who said to her man, rather rudely;<br>"If you were to stick<br>Your big veiny prick<br>In my fanny, then I'd like it hugely!"</p> <p>Auntie </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://dear-auntie.blog.co.uk/2006/12/03/rude_limerick~1398798/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://dear-auntie.blog.co.uk/2006/12/03/rude_limerick~1398798/#commentshttp://dear-auntie.blog.co.uk/2006/12/03/my_sister_s_a_lesbian~1398700/tag:dear-auntie.blog.co.uk,2006-12-03:/2006/12/03/my_sister_s_a_lesbian~1398700/Sun, 03 Dec 2006 22:55:46 +0100 <p>Dear Auntie<br>My sister has just told me that she's gay.  I want to be supportive, but I'm really having trouble coming to terms with it.  She would like me to meet her partner, but I'm not sure.  Can I refuse?  <strong>Kym, Consett</p> <p></strong>Dear Kym<br>NO YOU CAN'T REFUSE, YOU BIGOTTED COW!  What do you think will happen if you meet her partner?  That you will somehow become infected by her lesbianism?  Or that she will try and coerce you into having her as a filling in a sister sandwich?  Your sister is just gay you daft bint - it's not a disease.  Try supporting her, you selish sow, it was probably very difficult for her to tell you this.  You like a bit of cock (when you chill the fuck out), but your Sis likes minge, JUST DEAL WITH IT!!!  Now stop bothering me, I'm trying to relax!  <strong>Auntie</strong></p> <p> <small> <a href="http://dear-auntie.blog.co.uk/2006/12/03/my_sister_s_a_lesbian~1398700/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://dear-auntie.blog.co.uk/2006/12/03/my_sister_s_a_lesbian~1398700/#commentshttp://dear-auntie.blog.co.uk/2006/12/01/he_s_impotent~1389135/tag:dear-auntie.blog.co.uk,2006-12-01:/2006/12/01/he_s_impotent~1389135/Fri, 01 Dec 2006 12:31:54 +0100 <p>Dear Auntie</p> <p>I've been with my boyfriend for six months but we haven't made love yet because he is impotent. He also told me that he has a low sperm count. How can we have a sex life and the children that we both want? <strong>Sophie, Burslem<br></strong><br>Jesus H Christ! You people are really starting to piss me off now - are you f**cking stupid or what? You want a sex life AND you want children? H'ELLOOOOOHH!! How do you think that's gonna happen if the man can't get a boner in 6 months and even if he did manage to, his gonads are more sparsely populated than Antartica, you brainless bimbo. Get him a crate of Viagra or something. If that doesn't work then dump him and find yourself a real man if you really want to get some hot cock action and  a bun in your oven - now go away and leave me alone you daft cow! <strong>Auntie</strong> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://dear-auntie.blog.co.uk/2006/12/01/he_s_impotent~1389135/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://dear-auntie.blog.co.uk/2006/12/01/he_s_impotent~1389135/#commentshttp://dear-auntie.blog.co.uk/2006/11/29/problems_anyone~1383929/tag:dear-auntie.blog.co.uk,2006-11-29:/2006/11/29/problems_anyone~1383929/Wed, 29 Nov 2006 23:30:40 +0100 <p>Come along people you've seen Auntie's style, why not send us a problem of your own for us to answer in the blunt, Auntie-style? </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://dear-auntie.blog.co.uk/2006/11/29/problems_anyone~1383929/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://dear-auntie.blog.co.uk/2006/11/29/problems_anyone~1383929/#commentshttp://dear-auntie.blog.co.uk/2006/11/29/is_he_just_playing_with_my_emotions~1383874/tag:dear-auntie.blog.co.uk,2006-11-29:/2006/11/29/is_he_just_playing_with_my_emotions~1383874/Wed, 29 Nov 2006 23:11:29 +0100 <p>Dear Auntie<br>I had a brilliant 4 year relationship with my boyfriend but he ended up it because he was working away and said he didn't want to hold me back back or hurt me.  He's coming home in 3 months and we plan to meet.  He says he still loves me, but he can't be with me.  I'm confused and upset.  My friends ay he's stringing me along, but I don't think he' do that.  I feel lost without him. Should I stay in contact or cut him out completely?  I don't know what would hurt me most.  <strong>Wendy, Hitchin</p> <p></strong>Dear Wendy<br>You have an awful lot to learn Dearie.  If your relationship was so "brilliant" then why did your boyfriend dump you?  When he said that he was working away and didn't want to "hold you back or hurt you" what he really meant was that he want to be able to shag whoever he wanted with a clear conscience.  When he says that "he loves you but can't be with you" what he really means is that he wants to fuck you with no strings attached.  If you had any sense at all you would tell him to sling his hook.  But I can tell from your letter that... you have no sense at all!  So why waste my time and yours by writing to me in the first place?  Just go ahead and fuck him when he comes home, get dumped, and then end up really unhappy. You dippy cow.  <strong>Auntie</strong></p> <p> <small> <a href="http://dear-auntie.blog.co.uk/2006/11/29/is_he_just_playing_with_my_emotions~1383874/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://dear-auntie.blog.co.uk/2006/11/29/is_he_just_playing_with_my_emotions~1383874/#commentshttp://dear-auntie.blog.co.uk/2006/11/29/should_i_leave_them~1383780/tag:dear-auntie.blog.co.uk,2006-11-29:/2006/11/29/should_i_leave_them~1383780/Wed, 29 Nov 2006 22:46:15 +0100 <p>Dear Auntie.<br>I've been divorced for 12 years and have two sons, aged 19 & 21. Neither of them works. I'm 54 and have met a man I used to go out with when I was 19. He wants me to move away to be with him. My boys say I'm being selfish and will make them homeless if I leave. I think I should have a life of my own now. I wouldn't mind if my boys even tried to get jobs but they just play computer games all day. What should I do - move away or stay with my boys? <strong>Lois, Quahog<br></strong><br>Dear Lois<br>I can't believe I'm hearing this!  You evil, dirty, selfish old slut.  How can you even think of leaving your babies when they need you most, whilst you go swanning off for dirty sex with your fancy man! Women like you disgust me.  It's not 5 minutes since they were babes in arms, and now they are taking their first cautious steps into the grown up world and you want to piss off to fuck knows where with some wrinkled lothario.  Who the fuck is going to cook their dinners or iron their shirts?  They're just kids for Christ's sake, they won't last 5 minutes on their own.  For once in your life theink of somebody other than yourself and your sex life you disgusting old whore!! <strong>Auntie</strong> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://dear-auntie.blog.co.uk/2006/11/29/should_i_leave_them~1383780/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://dear-auntie.blog.co.uk/2006/11/29/should_i_leave_them~1383780/#commentshttp://dear-auntie.blog.co.uk/2006/11/27/is_he_too_old_to_get_me_pregnant~1376084/tag:dear-auntie.blog.co.uk,2006-11-27:/2006/11/27/is_he_too_old_to_get_me_pregnant~1376084/Mon, 27 Nov 2006 22:21:50 +0100 <p>Dear Auntie<br>I'm in my late twenties and I've got a male friend of 93 who I've known for several years. We've been out for meals a few times, but a couple of months ago, after a nice dinner and a bottle of wine, one thing led to another. After kissing and foreplay we had sex, which I really enjoyed. It's happened a few more times since. He won't use a condom because he says he can't get a woman pregnant at his age, but should I take the Pill to be on the safe side?<br><strong>Miss M, Stockport</strong></p> <p><span>Dear Miss M<br>Are you taking the piss? I'm trying to run a problem page here, not answer to sick, degraded freaks like you. Does the word "Eeeeuuuuuwwwww" mean anything to you? You must be seriously deformed to feel the need to be defiled by a withered old paedo who, quite frankly, should've been pushing up DAISIES by now, let alone YOU! Do yourself, and him, a favour right now, and ensure that some sort of "accident" involving a pillow over the face, occurs the next time his geriatric genitalia squirm into tumescence. Now fuck off, you disgust me.</span><br><span><strong>Auntie</strong></span> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://dear-auntie.blog.co.uk/2006/11/27/is_he_too_old_to_get_me_pregnant~1376084/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>stupid-cowhttp://dear-auntie.blog.co.uk/2006/11/27/is_he_too_old_to_get_me_pregnant~1376084/#commentshttp://dear-auntie.blog.co.uk/2006/11/27/title~1376049/tag:dear-auntie.blog.co.uk,2006-11-27:/2006/11/27/title~1376049/Mon, 27 Nov 2006 22:12:06 +0100 <p>Dear Auntie<br>Please tell me how to get rid of my jealous streak. My boyfriend and I love each other very much, but I'm frightened that my jealousy may ruin the very thing that I want most. If I see him as much as glance at other women when we're out, jealousy boils up in me and we end up having a huge row for him fancying them. I know deep down that he doesn't, but I'm worried he is starting to get weary of this. <strong>Jodie, Walsall</strong><br><span><br>Dear Jodie<br>OF COURSE HE'S GETTING WEARY OF THIS!!! Who wouldn't be, living with a psychotic fruit loop like you? Get real, if he sees a hot bit of crumpet when he's out then of course he's going to look - who wouldn't? If you were any kind of girlfriend you would suggest a nice horny threesome with another bird and then, just maybe, he might not dump you! Get a life and go boil some rabbits you f**king weirdo! <strong>Auntie</strong></span><br><span><strong>PS </strong>Just think what he gets up to when you're NOT there!!!!</span> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://dear-auntie.blog.co.uk/2006/11/27/title~1376049/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://dear-auntie.blog.co.uk/2006/11/27/title~1376049/#commentshttp://dear-auntie.blog.co.uk/2006/11/27/his_rough_sex_is_putting_me_off~1375044/tag:dear-auntie.blog.co.uk,2006-11-27:/2006/11/27/his_rough_sex_is_putting_me_off~1375044/Mon, 27 Nov 2006 17:55:36 +0100 <p>Dear Auntie<br>My boyfriend's a bit of a bull in a china shop when it comes to sex and, to be honest, I feel rather battered afterwards. I've told him a thousand times that a bit of gentleness would work wonders, but I know he doesn't think that's manly. It's got to the stage now where I try to avoid sex, which is awful because I love him.<br><strong>Natalie, Cumbria.</strong></p> <p>Dear Natalie<br>For F<strong>k's sake, woman! You are being mauled by a freakin rapist and you "love him"? You are exactly the sad sort of stupid bitch that is responsible for making men think this kind of behaviour is acceptable! Next time he gets a bit rough, try suggesting that you tie HIM to the bed and ram a dildo up his overbearing ass and see how the f</strong>k HE likes it rough!!  Betcha he changes tack pronto.<br><strong>Auntie</strong> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://dear-auntie.blog.co.uk/2006/11/27/his_rough_sex_is_putting_me_off~1375044/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://dear-auntie.blog.co.uk/2006/11/27/his_rough_sex_is_putting_me_off~1375044/#commentshttp://dear-auntie.blog.co.uk/2006/11/27/title~1375025/tag:dear-auntie.blog.co.uk,2006-11-27:/2006/11/27/title~1375025/Mon, 27 Nov 2006 17:51:58 +0100 <p>Dear Auntie,</p> <p>I'm in despair. Lately I've been brooding increasingly on the fact that, in the five years I've been married, my husband hasn't once instigated sex. It's now become such a routine that I don't even talk about it. I deliberately didn't make a move for three months to see if that produced any changes - it didn't! I'm now feeling so resentful and humiliated. How can I tackle this? I suppose I'm just fearful that, if it were left up to him, we'd never have sex again. <strong>Helen, Tiverton</strong></p> <p>Helen dearie! </p> <p>You are just getting yourself in a tiz about nothing. If your husband doesn't want sex (with you) you will soon find out that there are loads of blokes who do. Get yourself dolled up and get down to a club on a Saturday night and before you know it your fanjita will be getting pounded proper style by some drunken herbert. Even if you're fat and have a face like a slapped arse, some young stud will still be gagging to bang you after eight pints of Stella. If your husband still doesn't want sex (he's probably sh*gging your sister though) then b*ll*cks to him, get it wherever you can and enjoy! <strong>Auntie</strong> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://dear-auntie.blog.co.uk/2006/11/27/title~1375025/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://dear-auntie.blog.co.uk/2006/11/27/title~1375025/#commentshttp://dear-auntie.blog.co.uk/2006/11/27/have_i_completely_blown_it_with_my_ex~1374991/tag:dear-auntie.blog.co.uk,2006-11-27:/2006/11/27/have_i_completely_blown_it_with_my_ex~1374991/Mon, 27 Nov 2006 17:44:16 +0100 <p>Dear Auntie</p> <p>I left my husband for a man who led me to believe that we'd have a wonderful life together, but the reality was very different and now I'm so unhappy. I deeply regret my actions and realise what an awful mistake I've made. I'd love to have my old life back, but my husband won't forgive me because he was very hurt when I left. He says he can't trust me know and isn't prepared to risk it. How on earth can I convince him that this will never happen again?<strong> Gemma, Cheltenham<br></strong><br>Dear Gemma</p> <p>Well well well, you've made a total arse of things haven't you? The simple answer is you can't convince your husband to come back to you because you are a dirty, lying, stinking whore and about as trustworthy as a dog in a sausage factory. Quite frankly he will be better off without you so why don't you stop being so selfish and let him get on with re-building his life - you slag! <strong>Auntie</strong> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://dear-auntie.blog.co.uk/2006/11/27/have_i_completely_blown_it_with_my_ex~1374991/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://dear-auntie.blog.co.uk/2006/11/27/have_i_completely_blown_it_with_my_ex~1374991/#comments