Dear Auntie
I've been married for 12 years and things have become a little flat in recent years.  My wife, who hadn't worked for many years, recently started a new job at the local supermarket.  She seemed to really enjoy it and I was pleased for her, but recently she has become close friends with another woman. She constantly says how wonderful her new friend is and they often go shopping and for meals together and I began to feel a little left out. Last week I came home early after a powercut at work, and my wife's new friend's car was parked outside. I went in but nobody appeared to be home. I went upstairs and when I looked in our bedroom my wife and her friend were both asleep, naked, on our bed with several sex toys strewn around. I was too shocked to do anything so I went out and came home at the normal time.  After several days of awkwardness I eventually challenged her about it. She looked very embarrassed, but swore that they had not had sex, she said they had only been watching porn movies and had got carried away and had masturbated whilst watching the films.  But I'm not sure I believe her and fear that she might be having a lesbian affair.  Admittedly our sex life has deteriorated in recent years, but this has really shaken me.  What do you think? Colin, London

Dear Colin
You "think she may be having a lesbian affair"?  HELLOOOOOOO McFLY DURRRRRRR!!!!! Of course she's munching on foof you daft fuck - you surely don't believe that crock of shit she told you?  You do?  Then you're more stupid than I thought!  She couldn't be more guilty had you walked in and caught them both tucking in on each others muff...... oh god.. that sounds hot!  I'm err just, err going to the.. urm, toilet!  You could always ask her if you can join in - that would spice your flagging sex life!
Auntie
PS - If she goes for it, write back and tell me all about it!