The REAL answers for naff problem pages

Dear Auntie
On holiday in Tunisia I met and dated the man of my dreams. Flatteringly he is 20 years younger than me.  On the final night of my holiday we made love and he said that he loved me and we swore we would stay in touch.
    He says that he'd like to visit and if it works out we could get married.  He just wants to make sure that his father is ok first - he needs an expensive operation.  I'd like to pay for it, but a friend's trying to stop me.  But what use is money if you can't use it to help those that you love?  Maureen, Bognor

Dear Maureen
Are you for real?  You need to take a reality check love, before it's too late, you daft old bint!!!  Any man will tell you that he loves you when he wants to get into your knickers.  But this greasy lothario has the added incentives of wanting to bleed your bank account dry and wanting a free ticket into the UK.  I can guarantee you that the moment you get hitched, he'll dump you and open up a fast food shop on your local high street - on your money!  Ask yourself, honestly, what's some pumped up foreign young stud going to want with a wizzened old hag like you (other than a passport and YOUR money)?  Do yourself a favour, listen to your friend and tell him to fuck off - before its too late.  Auntie

Dear Auntie
I'm really starting to feel that we have let it slip in the second test. We were unable to bowl out Australia cheaply and as a result had only a first innings lead of 38. Although our batsmen have increased that lead to 97 with nine second innings remaining, I fear that there is now insufficient time to win the game? What can I do?
Duncan, Adelaide

Dear Duncan
Unfortunately I fear that you have already fucked it up thanks to your defensive selection policy for this match.  Had you had the bollocks to pick Monty Panesar you would have a bowler on the park who could've potentially removed all those stubborn Aussies, in both innings.  But no, you have to pick boring Ashley fucking Giles don't you!  Granted, Giles may add an extra 25-30 runs to the lower order, but on a wicket like Adelaide they were never going to be needed.  Giles is a tidy, economical bowler but is never going to bowl out a team as long as he's got a hole in his arse!  Panesar was routinely removing the best of the Pakistani & Sri Lankan top order this year - no mean feat - or have you forgotten that, you ungrateful prick?  Have some bollocks and pick an attacking team for the third test and we may yet bring the Ashes home.  Auntie

Before I met my partner, I was quite promiscuous and had one-night stands with three men from work. Three years on, I'm happily engaged, and my fiance has just landed a job at my old company. One of the men I slept with still works there, and I'm terrified my fiance will overhear gossip about me. Should I tell him the truth?
Ange, Catholme

Good God, woman! Do you not imagine there have been a million and one "office-shags" since your little spell of slack-drawedness? They probably don't even remember your name by now, let alone who you opened your legs for. They'll be too busy fretting about what they got up to at the Christmas party to give a shit about your dirty episode, Especially that Lisa in accounts, the filthy slapper. I saw her in the bogs at The Taj Mahal on George St with Nigel from marketing......
Seriously Ange, stop worrying. Be glad you had the gumption to get a few notches on your bedpost before finding the right man. I'm sure HE's glad you got your blow-job perfected before you met and can now be the wife he wants.
Auntie

There was a young lady of Rugeley,
Who said to her man, rather rudely;
"If you were to stick
Your big veiny prick
In my fanny, then I'd like it hugely!"

Auntie

Dear Auntie
My sister has just told me that she's gay.  I want to be supportive, but I'm really having trouble coming to terms with it.  She would like me to meet her partner, but I'm not sure.  Can I refuse?  Kym, Consett

Dear Kym
NO YOU CAN'T REFUSE, YOU BIGOTTED COW!  What do you think will happen if you meet her partner?  That you will somehow become infected by her lesbianism?  Or that she will try and coerce you into having her as a filling in a sister sandwich?  Your sister is just gay you daft bint - it's not a disease.  Try supporting her, you selish sow, it was probably very difficult for her to tell you this.  You like a bit of cock (when you chill the fuck out), but your Sis likes minge, JUST DEAL WITH IT!!!  Now stop bothering me, I'm trying to relax!  Auntie

Dear Auntie

I've been with my boyfriend for six months but we haven't made love yet because he is impotent. He also told me that he has a low sperm count. How can we have a sex life and the children that we both want? Sophie, Burslem

Jesus H Christ! You people are really starting to piss me off now - are you f**cking stupid or what? You want a sex life AND you want children? H'ELLOOOOOHH!! How do you think that's gonna happen if the man can't get a boner in 6 months and even if he did manage to, his gonads are more sparsely populated than Antartica, you brainless bimbo. Get him a crate of Viagra or something. If that doesn't work then dump him and find yourself a real man if you really want to get some hot cock action and  a bun in your oven - now go away and leave me alone you daft cow! Auntie