The REAL answers for naff problem pages

Come along people you've seen Auntie's style, why not send us a problem of your own for us to answer in the blunt, Auntie-style?

Dear Auntie
I had a brilliant 4 year relationship with my boyfriend but he ended up it because he was working away and said he didn't want to hold me back back or hurt me.  He's coming home in 3 months and we plan to meet.  He says he still loves me, but he can't be with me.  I'm confused and upset.  My friends ay he's stringing me along, but I don't think he' do that.  I feel lost without him. Should I stay in contact or cut him out completely?  I don't know what would hurt me most.  Wendy, Hitchin

Dear Wendy
You have an awful lot to learn Dearie.  If your relationship was so "brilliant" then why did your boyfriend dump you?  When he said that he was working away and didn't want to "hold you back or hurt you" what he really meant was that he want to be able to shag whoever he wanted with a clear conscience.  When he says that "he loves you but can't be with you" what he really means is that he wants to fuck you with no strings attached.  If you had any sense at all you would tell him to sling his hook.  But I can tell from your letter that... you have no sense at all!  So why waste my time and yours by writing to me in the first place?  Just go ahead and fuck him when he comes home, get dumped, and then end up really unhappy. You dippy cow.  Auntie

Dear Auntie.
I've been divorced for 12 years and have two sons, aged 19 & 21. Neither of them works. I'm 54 and have met a man I used to go out with when I was 19. He wants me to move away to be with him. My boys say I'm being selfish and will make them homeless if I leave. I think I should have a life of my own now. I wouldn't mind if my boys even tried to get jobs but they just play computer games all day. What should I do - move away or stay with my boys? Lois, Quahog

Dear Lois
I can't believe I'm hearing this!  You evil, dirty, selfish old slut.  How can you even think of leaving your babies when they need you most, whilst you go swanning off for dirty sex with your fancy man! Women like you disgust me.  It's not 5 minutes since they were babes in arms, and now they are taking their first cautious steps into the grown up world and you want to piss off to fuck knows where with some wrinkled lothario.  Who the fuck is going to cook their dinners or iron their shirts?  They're just kids for Christ's sake, they won't last 5 minutes on their own.  For once in your life theink of somebody other than yourself and your sex life you disgusting old whore!! Auntie

Dear Auntie
I'm in my late twenties and I've got a male friend of 93 who I've known for several years. We've been out for meals a few times, but a couple of months ago, after a nice dinner and a bottle of wine, one thing led to another. After kissing and foreplay we had sex, which I really enjoyed. It's happened a few more times since. He won't use a condom because he says he can't get a woman pregnant at his age, but should I take the Pill to be on the safe side?
Miss M, Stockport

Dear Miss M
Are you taking the piss? I'm trying to run a problem page here, not answer to sick, degraded freaks like you. Does the word "Eeeeuuuuuwwwww" mean anything to you? You must be seriously deformed to feel the need to be defiled by a withered old paedo who, quite frankly, should've been pushing up DAISIES by now, let alone YOU! Do yourself, and him, a favour right now, and ensure that some sort of "accident" involving a pillow over the face, occurs the next time his geriatric genitalia squirm into tumescence. Now fuck off, you disgust me.
Auntie

Dear Auntie
Please tell me how to get rid of my jealous streak. My boyfriend and I love each other very much, but I'm frightened that my jealousy may ruin the very thing that I want most. If I see him as much as glance at other women when we're out, jealousy boils up in me and we end up having a huge row for him fancying them. I know deep down that he doesn't, but I'm worried he is starting to get weary of this. Jodie, Walsall

Dear Jodie
OF COURSE HE'S GETTING WEARY OF THIS!!! Who wouldn't be, living with a psychotic fruit loop like you? Get real, if he sees a hot bit of crumpet when he's out then of course he's going to look - who wouldn't? If you were any kind of girlfriend you would suggest a nice horny threesome with another bird and then, just maybe, he might not dump you! Get a life and go boil some rabbits you f**king weirdo! Auntie
PS Just think what he gets up to when you're NOT there!!!!

Dear Auntie
My boyfriend's a bit of a bull in a china shop when it comes to sex and, to be honest, I feel rather battered afterwards. I've told him a thousand times that a bit of gentleness would work wonders, but I know he doesn't think that's manly. It's got to the stage now where I try to avoid sex, which is awful because I love him.
Natalie, Cumbria.

Dear Natalie
For Fk's sake, woman! You are being mauled by a freakin rapist and you "love him"? You are exactly the sad sort of stupid bitch that is responsible for making men think this kind of behaviour is acceptable! Next time he gets a bit rough, try suggesting that you tie HIM to the bed and ram a dildo up his overbearing ass and see how the fk HE likes it rough!!  Betcha he changes tack pronto.
Auntie

Dear Auntie,

I'm in despair. Lately I've been brooding increasingly on the fact that, in the five years I've been married, my husband hasn't once instigated sex. It's now become such a routine that I don't even talk about it. I deliberately didn't make a move for three months to see if that produced any changes - it didn't! I'm now feeling so resentful and humiliated. How can I tackle this? I suppose I'm just fearful that, if it were left up to him, we'd never have sex again. Helen, Tiverton

Helen dearie!

You are just getting yourself in a tiz about nothing. If your husband doesn't want sex (with you) you will soon find out that there are loads of blokes who do. Get yourself dolled up and get down to a club on a Saturday night and before you know it your fanjita will be getting pounded proper style by some drunken herbert. Even if you're fat and have a face like a slapped arse, some young stud will still be gagging to bang you after eight pints of Stella. If your husband still doesn't want sex (he's probably sh*gging your sister though) then b*ll*cks to him, get it wherever you can and enjoy! Auntie

Dear Auntie

I left my husband for a man who led me to believe that we'd have a wonderful life together, but the reality was very different and now I'm so unhappy. I deeply regret my actions and realise what an awful mistake I've made. I'd love to have my old life back, but my husband won't forgive me because he was very hurt when I left. He says he can't trust me know and isn't prepared to risk it. How on earth can I convince him that this will never happen again? Gemma, Cheltenham

Dear Gemma

Well well well, you've made a total arse of things haven't you? The simple answer is you can't convince your husband to come back to you because you are a dirty, lying, stinking whore and about as trustworthy as a dog in a sausage factory. Quite frankly he will be better off without you so why don't you stop being so selfish and let him get on with re-building his life - you slag! Auntie