The REAL answers for naff problem pages

Dear Auntie,
My husband is very proud of his body and never misses an opportunity to strip and show off as much as is decently possible. My family and friends tease me and my girlfriends are always telling me how lucky I am. This is all very well, but I want him to keep his charms for me and me alone! What can I do?
Vera, Cheshire

On one hand, Vera, your friends could be right. If your bloke's sexy as, be glad of it! As long as his main "Charm" (his cock, of course!) is yours and yours alone then fair enough. However, there could be a number of real issues going on behind his exhibitionism. For example, he could, in reality, harbour deep insecurities about his intellect, perhaps because you're cleverer than him, and his only way to deal with the conversation getting a little over his head is to divert peoples attention off politics and onto his pecs. Or, he could be hedging his bets and making sure that should you and he ever have a fall-out, or you're on the rag, your friends will be more than willing to offer him a shoulder to "cry" on. Whatever the cause of his behaviour though, there's a tried and tested method to nip it in the bud that I learned off my ex-husband. You must gradually start eating away at his self-esteem. That's right. When I married, I was slim, clever, personable, great in the sack and cooked like a domestic Goddess. Fortunately I had him to keep me right by undermining my career ("I could do that, and better"),  my friendships ("they don't really like you"), my hobbies ("I've shat better") and so on, until I actually doubted myself BIG time. If you adopt this approach, he'll soon be eaten up with self-doubt and, hey Presto!, he won't be able to go out without sedatives, let alone his shirt! Good luck girlfriend!
Auntie

Dear auntie,
I've been married for some eight years and have two lovely daughters.  Eight weeks ago my husband left me, saying he doesn't love me and wants a divorce.  This is the seventh time he's left me.  My daughters hate him because of his constant temper and nastiness.  I feel so low and rejected.  I'm on antidepressants, but see no light at the end of the tunnel.  I know I can't take him back as there would be no trust.  Mrs D, Clacton

Dear Mrs D,
I really can't see what your problem is - it sounds to me like you will actually end up far happier without this foul-tempered, nasty, self-centred piece of shit.  Seems like your daughter's are a pair of smart cookies for developing a rightful hatred of this cunting cocksucker.  My advice to you is as follows; stay off the antidepressants - they'll fuck up your mind.  Don't feel low - get dressed up, go out with your pals and get yourself a big helping of some nice fresh cock - you will soon feel wanted then.  Forget this despicable wanker ever existed. You have two choices hun: 1. wallow in self pity for ever and end up a sad, lonely old crone or:  2.  Stand up, be strong and move on with your life.  I can strongly recommend the latter! Auntie

My husband wants sex all the time and it's driving me mad. he sulks if I don't give into it because he says it's my duty as a wife. I didn't realise just how bad this had become until we had our first baby two months ago. He was even saying in hospital that he was desperate. I haven't had sex with him since the birth because I've used the excuse that I'm in pain. But he complains constantly that he's being denied and I'm dreading it all starting up again.
Natasha, Crowtree.

My heart goes out to you Natasha, really it does. You obviously didn't have much experience of actual men before you embarked on matrimony with this sex pest, did you? Otherwise you would've recognised that he is a fucking sad pervert and run a mile.
The experienced Agony Aunt in me that I amn't wants to say "Ooh, poor men, they often have difficulty when you have a new, little person monopolising all the attention that used to be focussed on them. Try to be patient with him, try Relate, blah blah fucking blah..." However, in reality, that's just a pile of bollocks.  He's a juvenile, clingy, insecure fanny-rat. Seriously, i've met his sort. I was binning a bloke once and, through his tears, he STILL managed to ask me to  "Just hold it" (you know who you are Mr B, Tyne & Wear).
Next time he tries it on, don't lie about being in pain. Take his genitals gently in your hand and whisper softly in his ear: "Darling, I've been so looking forward to some love-making too" Then firmly tug his meat and two veg floorwards and tell him "Now fuck off, I've got the milkman coming round in five. Now he's a REAL man, you sack of shit!" The look on his face will be priceless. Unless, of course, he has any psychotic tendencies, in which case you'll probably be getting dredged out of the nearest canal in a rolled up carpet sometime soon. Worth  the bet, though, I'd say! Good Luck!
Auntie

Dear Auntie
My work takes me away from home a lot, and my wife starting having an affair when a man she liked paid her a compliment.  She was also bored with her job , felt that the children (who are 14 and 12) no longer needed her as much, and she hated being 45.  She is slim, attractive, looks 35 and I am very much in love with her.  She has now ended the affair, although she still has feelings for him, but she says she loves me and doesn't want a divorce.  She is living with her parents at the moment but wants me to rent somewhere for her whilst "she tries to find the woman she was before the affair."  However, she says there are no guarantee that things will be the same as before.  Should I agree to this?  Dave, Kent

Dear Dave
No you fucking well should not agree to this!!!  Grow some bollocks and tell her to fuck off - she's using you.  As soon as she gets the keys to the flat she'll ditch you and have lover boy hanging out the back of her pronto.  Don't try to justify what she's done either - we all get bored from time to time, but manage to resist giving a blow job to the first person that pays us a compliment.  She is a vile, selfish sow who is having a midlife crisis and views you as a meal ticket - fuck her off, matey!
Auntie

Dear Auntie
I left my husband for a man who led me to believe that we would have a wonderful life together, but the reality was very different and now I'm so unhappy. I deeply regret my actions and realise now what an awful mistake I've made. I'd love to have my old life back, but my husband won't forgive me because he was very hurt when I left. He says he can't trust me any more and isn't prepared to risk it. How on earth can I convince him that this will never happen again? Gemma, Cheltenham

Dear Gemma
Well well well, you've made a total bollox of things haven't you? The simple answer is you can't convince your husband to come back to you because you are a dirty, lying, stinking whore and about as trustworthy as a dog in a sausage factory. Quite frankly he will be far better off without you so why don't you stop being so fucking selfish and let him get on with re-building his life - you vile slag! Auntie

My husband and I have broken up because of his womanising. He's now living in a bedsit down the road, but has begged me not to tell our families we've split up. He's hoping for a reconciliation while he works through his need to have other women!
Everyone thought we were the perfect couple and he wants to keep that idea going. But I hate lying and, while I still love him, I don't know if I want him back.
I'm longing to speak to my family but, if they find out what he's been up to, they'll tell me to keep away from him. He says that by keeping quiet I'm giving our relationship a chance, but am I being a complete fool? B, 28, Norfolk

Dear B,
are you for fucking real??!! 
The reason this sad sack of shit doesn't want your family to know about his philandering ways is because he knows they'll string the fucker up by his bollocks, deservedly! 
What planet are you on even entertaining the idea that his 'Mr Perfect Husband' title should be upheld while he sticks his wick in every skanky whore prepared to open her legs? Well?!?
This cunt doesn't give a shit about you. He cares for himself alone, and you should unleash the hounds forthwith. Tell the world what a vile, narcissistic piece of work he is. Laugh at his demise. Tart yourself up and flaunt a new, young, buff lover under his nose, the wanker deserves it.
Unless, of course, he did it because you're frigid, in which case what do you expect. A man needs an outlet.
Auntie.

Dear Auntie
I'm 56 and have fallen in love with a man of 22.  Many people tell me that age doesn't matter when you're in love.  However, I have an older male friend who thinks that it's wrong and disgusting.  He is adamant that we will not last because my boyfriend will get sick of my age and run off with a younger model.  It's starting to get me down - how can we prove him wrong?
Mavis, Croydon

Dear Mavis
The sad truth is that your friend is right.  You might still scrub up ok after he's had a few pints but these dark mornings don't last.  One day he will wake up next to you and see you for the withered, saggy, botox-infested old slapper that you undoubtedly are, you filthy paedophillic old whore.  Put him the fuck down - his mates are already laughing at him you know, you selfish sow.  You fucking disgust me - get someone you own age.  Auntie
PS If your older male friend is Adam Ant can you get me his autograph - loved all that 80's shit.

Dear Auntie
I've been married for 12 years and things have become a little flat in recent years.  My wife, who hadn't worked for many years, recently started a new job at the local supermarket.  She seemed to really enjoy it and I was pleased for her, but recently she has become close friends with another woman. She constantly says how wonderful her new friend is and they often go shopping and for meals together and I began to feel a little left out. Last week I came home early after a powercut at work, and my wife's new friend's car was parked outside. I went in but nobody appeared to be home. I went upstairs and when I looked in our bedroom my wife and her friend were both asleep, naked, on our bed with several sex toys strewn around. I was too shocked to do anything so I went out and came home at the normal time.  After several days of awkwardness I eventually challenged her about it. She looked very embarrassed, but swore that they had not had sex, she said they had only been watching porn movies and had got carried away and had masturbated whilst watching the films.  But I'm not sure I believe her and fear that she might be having a lesbian affair.  Admittedly our sex life has deteriorated in recent years, but this has really shaken me.  What do you think? Colin, London

Dear Colin
You "think she may be having a lesbian affair"?  HELLOOOOOOO McFLY DURRRRRRR!!!!! Of course she's munching on foof you daft fuck - you surely don't believe that crock of shit she told you?  You do?  Then you're more stupid than I thought!  She couldn't be more guilty had you walked in and caught them both tucking in on each others muff...... oh god.. that sounds hot!  I'm err just, err going to the.. urm, toilet!  Ask her if you can join in with them - that should boost your flagging sex life!
Auntie
PS - If she goes for it, write back and tell me all about it!

Dear Auntie
On holiday in Tunisia I met and dated the man of my dreams. Flatteringly he is 20 years younger than me.  On the final night of my holiday we made love and he said that he loved me and we swore we would stay in touch.
    He says that he'd like to visit and if it works out we could get married.  He just wants to make sure that his father is ok first - he needs an expensive operation.  I'd like to pay for it, but a friend's trying to stop me.  But what use is money if you can't use it to help those that you love?  Maureen, Bognor

Dear Maureen
Are you for real?  You need to take a reality check love, before it's too late, you daft old bint!!!  Any man will tell you that he loves you when he wants to get into your knickers.  But this greasy lothario has the added incentives of wanting to bleed your bank account dry and wanting a free ticket into the UK.  I can guarantee you that the moment you get hitched, he'll dump you and open up a fast food shop on your local high street - on your money!  Ask yourself, honestly, what's some pumped up foreign young stud going to want with a wizzened old hag like you (other than a passport and YOUR money)?  Do yourself a favour, listen to your friend and tell him to fuck off - before its too late.  Auntie